The motion of your ocean steers me into a different space
Far from mars
Drifting through galaxies no ones heard of before
You seize the moment and dive into my endless sea of love
I'm star struck
A reflection of my hips curving in and out
While using these PC muscles to grip your spout
Faster and then slower
And I arch my way back
You breathe deeply
It's warm inside but I feel chills down my spine
Should I stop?
I swiftly grind and when you are just about to climax
I swim to the tip
Then you sink in...
Where sea & space meet.
|A poem written on January 25,2020|
She sat at the drivers seat
her eyes looking both ways of a two sided street
the passenger leaned forward while inhaling the dust from her license
and with just that her sense enhanced
she felt complete
but the car was parked when they felt the crash
we were wrecked
THE HIGH ALWAYS FADES
THE LOWS SEEM TO LAST
The wind whistles
listening to a tune
only the moon knows her cries
the sun shines
with lips that tell tales
and ears that send her mind lies
|A poem written on 11/2012|
It was a Tuesday. Owen, my first born, was at preschool and I was at my anatomy scan for baby number two. Eighteen weeks pregnant, filled with joy and ideas about the future of my growing family. I remember asking the tech "How does everything look?" he replied, "the doctor has to explain". It wasn't what he said but rather how he said it that made my excitement turn to worry. "Explain what?" I thought to myself as the room seemed a little darker and quieter. The tech looked at one more area in the ultrasound and then left in search for the doctor. I was alone, starring at the ceiling, hoping & praying this was just routine. Telling myself that the feeling in my gut was just indigestion and not maternal instinct. The doctor came in, greeted me with a warm smile and made some jokes at an attempt to lighten the mood. He then said "We believe your baby may be growing significantly behind and would like to take an aggressive approach in care." I was shocked and sad but I quickly realized that I needed to remain optimistic because whatever mama feels, baby feels.
The next few weeks were intense; I had an amniocentesis done along with appointments 2-3 times a week to check for "abnormalities" & measure growth. I was referred to a specialist while we waited for the chromosome test to come back. The specialist found the same result and more, my baby was not only experiencing growth restriction but he also had something that wasn't quite right with his heart. She referred me to CHOP for an echo because it looked like his aortic valve wasn't connected. Feeling defeated, My husband Stephen and I went to grab lunch from the hospital cafeteria; I remember it being noisy but my thoughts drowned out the background and seemed much louder; I excused myself and sobbed in the restroom stall. When I returned it was time for our echo and after that we were sent to a consultation room. I remember the room feeling cold and the hairs on my arms tingling while I clenched my husbands hand. Then I read a quote on the wall to the left of me that read "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you." -Winnie the pooh
A news article to the right of me showed a miraculous surgery performed at the hospital not long ago, on a baby while in utero. I felt like I was right where I was suppose to be. I felt hopeful.
The cardiologist and cardio surgeons walked in and they didn't come baring good news but something in me had changed and I felt equipped to handle whatever we were facing. My unborn child had a heart abnormality, a hypo plastic aortic arch; when the aortic valve narrows preventing good blood flow, leading to congenital heart failure without intervention. We were then told the baby needed to make it well into the point of viability for surgery to have a 90% success rate. Due to growing way behind his gestational age the risk was a bit higher. We would have to be monitored closely and give birth at CHOP, which was about 1 hour away from home but we didn't care because we would travel through hell to ensure the health of our child just like people who have traveled from further.
One week later My husband was getting ready for a business trip to Brazil when I got a call from the specialist telling me to prepare for a still birth because the baby will likely die inside of me in the next few weeks due to the growth restriction, the heart condition, the water around his heart and cerebral artery velocity (which is the blood flow to brain that can indicate fetal anemia). I broke down. Jamie, my sister was with me and my husband wanted to cancel his trip but I convinced him to go. I convinced him that I was capable of handling this and that my sister would help me. The next morning my husband hesitantly left and I curled up in bed for couple of hours to regroup while Jamie watched Owen. After laying in bed until about 9 am I decided to pray. I prayed so hard, I didn't ask why this was happening. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for strength & courage. I prayed for peace and for faith in the power of said prayer. I knew that I needed to be strong for both Owen and my unborn baby, the only thing I had power over was how I handled this news. I decided to fight for this baby by having little to no stress for the rest of this pregnancy. I was not going to let a medical diagnosis consume me or cause premature labor. After all, God has the final say. A few days later my chromosome test came back normal. The water around baby's heart subsided & the cerebral artery velocity was within normal range. Weeks pass, The cerebral artery would peak and decline like a roller coaster ride. All the while we remained as happy as can be in front of our toddler who was excitedly awaiting his sibling. Eventually, We reached viability.
Then, one evening when our home was quiet, our son was asleep, our dog was lying by my feet, I got up from the couch when I felt a gush of water. "Babe! I think it might be go time." he said "Are you sure?" I replied " Yes, I smelled it and it isn't pee.", he quickly gathered all of our things while I was pacing back and forth saying "Its not time, he's still too little." Stephen grabbed my hospital bag and our son Owen, who upon being woken up looked at us with the sweetest smile and said "Am I going to be big brother?".
We arrive at the emergency room near our house. While in triage they performed some test on me & monitored baby. My Obgyn came in and told me that my water did not break. That I must have peed my pants. I didn't believe it but went against my better judgement and wobbled back home. One day later, I was knee deep in laundry for the baby and feeling drips of water throughout the day but I just brushed it off thinking I had no control of my bladder anymore. Until 3 am, when I got up much like I did throughout the third trimester to use the bathroom, the only difference being this time I was in pain. I turned the light on and that's when I saw it, the toilet paper drenched in blood. We did things much like we did the day before this time we knew we wouldn't be back. We rushed to the ER. The next couple of hours were a blur, there was talk about me delivering at our local hospital but I was adamant about making it to CHOP so that my baby could receive the care he needed in order to sustain life. Stephen went back home with Owen awaiting the arrival of my sister who was our designated caregiver for Owen while we were away.
Mean while my contractions were 2 mins apart but I wasn't dilating so they waited until I was stable and transferred me to CHOP.
At about 9 am I was in an ambulance finally in route to Philly during rush hour. Babies vitals were fine & I wasn't in eminent danger so there weren't any sirens and they obeyed all traffic laws. Once we arrived, I anxiously awaited the arrival of my husband, I didn't feel at ease until he walked in. A sense of peace flowed through me when I saw him and then I felt ready.
I carried my baby in my womb until I was 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant. At 11:59 am on Tuesday March 6, 2018 my second son Tobias, took his first breathe of life; weighing 4lbs 4oz and completely beautiful. He was born with the heart condition along with other complications that would need surgical intervention but he did it, he made it earth side.
His heart condition was confirmed, he had a coarctation of his aorta, which is narrowing of the aortic valve preventing healthy blood flow. The doctors informed my husband and I that surgery was inevitable. He had heart surgery at three days of life and it was a success. Tobias had to stay in the NICU because he needed to be monitored and he required a feeding tube to eat. In the nicu Tobias was considered the "big" little guy.
At the nicu, I slept by his bedside every single night. I remember crying one day to my husband saying this is so hard and that I just want to be home all together as a family. Then, a couple days passed and I felt humbled by the families in the Nicu, there were moms and dads who had been there for weeks, months and I even heard about some that graduated the nicu after a year or more. I was thankful when Tobias met all the goals they set out for him one by one and although a day in the nicu feels like forever. We were only there for a "short" two weeks. Within that time period my angel baby recovered from heart surgery and could eat on his own while steadily gaining weight we were discharged with tons of follow up appointments but we were grateful to be going home. I still think about my fellow nicu mamas in my pod and pray that their babies are okay and that the days are getting better for their families.
My family and I went through so much but not as much as our little warrior baby. Tobias, thank you for choosing me to be your mother, for strengthening me and for bringing me closer to God again. We love you & cherish you. Though the journey of surgeries has been intense with minimal sleep and a lot of worry, I am happy to say Tobias at age TWO is doing well and thriving. He's a force to be reckoned with. I still hold the words of a kind stranger in my heart "you ain't got to be big to have a big spirit" and its true his spirit is radiant and you can feel it when in his presence. He's so smart and says so much with so much character. Tobias is a light and burst of energy and my first born, the one who made me a mama is a beautiful and protective big brother who paves the way for his love, Tobias.
A blended family woman choosing to share the journey of self-love, motherhood, marriage, some things that fuel fear and most of what feeds the soul through poetry and story telling.