I’m still in control
He claims I provoked him
With a look
And that’s all it took
Turns me around
Pulls me close
I said “Let go!”
He forcefully unbuttons my clothes
I beg him “stop don’t”
He ignores me
That day his strength was overpowering
With one arm binding mine
And the other stripping my garments along with my dignity
I repeat no four times in a row “please no, pleeease no, please please no, noo”
In a soft hopeless voice
Screaming out but there’s no noise
A sharp lump in my throat from the strain
Of expressing my pain but being too scared to yell out
My mouth slightly open pressed against an undressed bed
The tears are salty
Eyes showing a blurry picture of a shotgun against a dresser
I think to myself...
Is there a way out of this?
You are not your body!
You are not your body!
Go somewhere else.
Leave your body
A field of flowers
Clouds in the sky drifting by fast
He’s leaning in closer now
Why is this happening?
His hot breath weighs is heavily on the back of my neck
I need to get out of here.
Will I get out of here?
When I get out of here -
Will I even know who I am anymore?
You are not your body in this moment
You can love your body and detach yourself from it in this moment
Save your soul
Save your soul
You are in control even though you’ve lost the control
He will not win
He lets go
Sits on the edge of the bed
I lay there,
A part of me is dead
Will I rise from these ashes?
I’ve rose before
Will I get my power back?
This time hurts much more
My feet hit the floor
I gather my things
I slowly walk to the door
I get dressed in the hall
When I walk out
The light is blinding
Yet darkness is felt
That day I was a victim
Now I am resuscitated
Today I’m a survivor that still loves myself.
Whistles while I walk by
One is bold enough to grab my wrist
He simultaneously winks and throws an air kiss
To them being female means I asked for this
“All I want is some space
Keep your hands off of me
Get the fuck up out my face.”
I was just a girl then,
But a child, that put a “Man” in his place.
“Shorty, you should smile more
What’s the matter baby? I’ll take care of you.
Here’s my number! Where you going? Can I stand with you?
When you get older I can tell you’ll be a wild one.”
Someone tell me why these men feel so entitled to
Follow like a stray dog that’s lost its way
Say how a woman should portray herself to be.
And why the fuck do they think I need someone to rescue me?
When all I want is to be free
All she wants is to be free
All we want is to be free
Free to be whatever the fuck we, or I or she chooses to be
With every breath we breathe so please just leave me be in peace
Don’t continue disturbing my peace in these streets
“I’m really kind of shy but when you walked on by you caught my heart and my eyes”
I’m not going to lie their game is tight
But the only reason it is
Is because they practice it all day
And all night
As soon as one lady is out of sight
The next is prime time
And they drop the same line.
Don’t let them eat your mind.
“Is that your mother or is that your sister? I don’t even care – Mami can I walk with cha”
I would walk behind my mom to cover her voluptuous beauty
Then realized I myself was exposed when
The harassment started before I even hit puberty
“Get a cup of coffee for me from the corner bodega “
First time my mother let me go out alone
And a man nearly four times my age looked at me like he’d lick the skin off my bones as he told me he would love to take me home.
Disturbing the peace
Just another walk
But they are on the prowl in these streets.
Watched the sun turn away from today
and just as it bowed to give way to the moon
it highlighted the curves in the Mountain View.
An ember colored silhouette and I saw it all with you
and I see it always in you.
Your bright eyes remind me of sunsets and of full moons all at once because they always show me the bigger picture.
We danced. We thought. We laughed.
We loved all in a day and tomorrow I hope I get to see it shine again.
Pay tribute to statues claiming it is history
But if a brother take a knee
The media screams blasphemy
Listen there’s been a virus going on since the start of time
May not be impacting you but it has from time to time affected me and mine
“The news makes it seem so awful”
It is awful.
Your privilege just afforded you a different view
“Oh so now it’s about race?”
Hasn’t it always in all ways
& How can anyone win
When you’ve already passed the finish line before the flag was waved
See this “dream” wasn’t designed for people like me and mine
So from time to time I get in my mind about me and mine
Feet planted firm on the ground
Try to make you feel you don’t belong
Even been told: “go back where you came from”
Here I am and here to stay for ancestors yours brought this way
Your words may be sharp but they claim no victory
This is where the shackles break on generational bigotry
“You are so articulate and speak so eloquently- where are you from?”
Oh did my image give you an assumption of dumb?
Did I not give you enough urban culture?
That you could bite off of you fucking vulture
To laugh at then imitate
Then claim as your own #appropriate
Let me chill, let me chill, let me chill
Nah- whats the deal? Keep it real. Let them feel.
Suck my bottom lip in
Biting down till it is numb
I take a deep breathe …
Then exhale before I blow a gasket
This shit is tragic
If I pressed you like you press me
There would be a press release
She is stoic
So sick of the hypocrisy
Then she realizes it’s our job to speak up in the face of adversity
Solidarity if you hear me –Just for clarity.
What is hesitation?
Is it that limit we set for ourselves that causes our frustration??
When I'm upset I tend to lose my shine
I keep my cool, saying "it'll all work out, it'll all be fine."
certain interactions impacted my ability to live freely
and on the hunt to find myself I began to see clearly.
Got caught in the pouring rain
began to run
about four blocks later I paused, kicked a puddle - the colors shifted you could see the thin film interference mixed with my reflection
and I love to see your smile in the pictures you never knew were taken
when you think no one is watching
and you aren't worried about your imperfections
you say the only photos you regret are the ones you didn't take
yet theres something in the moments
the ones we live and don't showcase
remembering them fully centers our focus
I have been trying to find the right words
it usually comes to me when I remember what you said
I picture it perfectly, I picture it in my head.
Your good side is living in your truth
don't be so hard on yourself I get self conscious too.
Now that I have your attention
I am more than your perception
I am more than my body
More than a moment of desire
What I am sets souls on fire
Baby, yes - I too give in to lust way too much
But also I have times when I don't give a fuck
said I don't care to fuck
On those days I get off in different ways
Like I meditate
I look to a higher purpose
trusting in the universe
beyond the earths surface
Days when I stand in place
Yes I get high on grace
Don't let her fool ya
She's got love in her heart
but if you mess with hers then it's
A blended family woman choosing to share the journey of self-love, motherhood, marriage, some things that fuel fear and most of what feeds the soul through poetry and story telling.